The Art of Losing Yourself

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Ever since I’ve known myself I was a dreamer, romanticizing scenarios, wishing that one day someone would love me like that girl on the big screen, that movie-love exists in reality since it’s a projection of the directors desires as well, he/she is real.

I went through countless failures, giving all my warmth to the wrong people, thinking maybe this is it, but I’m too young to find that IT. My first lover, oh he was amazing. He really got me believing that this could be it. This lover way older than me, falling in love with a high-school chick, what a love story. I thought that me and him could become that story you’d tell everyone even after 10 years with a childish grin on your face, but it could have never gotten to that, I was just too blinded by my love for him to realize that.

I thought he loved me, you know.. always telling me to eat, before bed gently massaging my skin, gazing into my eyes with a stupid grin smudged all over his lovely face, all the easily-thrown words like “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you” or “I could never hurt you, you’re simply amazing”. I fell for all of that, but actions speak louder than words, don’t they? I wanted to believe him, so I did and I fell harder than a meteor on reality’s face.

Everything I began to do, I’d do it for him, I forgot completely about my existence as a whole, I saw myself as one with him. His happiness should have been mine, but instead I suffered, I suffered like a dog. All the nights I couldn’t sleep, all the times I’ve cried my eyes out screaming from the pain till somehow, I’d collapse in a state of painful numbness. He never knew. His words said he loved me, but his actions said he loved himself. I came to realize that I was only a trophy for him. He thought he loved me but he never actually did. It’s comforting to think you love one.

He was very complicated, I couldn’t speak with him, he’d only push me farther and farther away. I started panicking, always being left behind, not being a priority, feeling him choosing me less and less as the days passed by.. I was very scared. I started acting crazy, fighting with him over anything I could, it was horrible.

I had to see that my dream was just an illusion, that this maybe was IT for me, but not for him. I found out that he started cheating on me, lies over lies. I was scared to believe him. He stopped feeling anything for me so I fought even harder. Even though, with his cold voice, he’d tell me he doesn’t want me, yelling at me because I went after him, I never stopped. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I love him so much but he never gave me even 10% back. I would have moved across the globe with him in a second if he would leave.

He doesn’t love me anymore, I tell myself over and over again. He doesn’t. I’m with a man who I love so deeply whilst he doesn’t know if he wants me or not anymore, if he feels or not something for me anymore.
I lost myself in the process and let someone take all the beauty I have to offer without once realizing what he had and what he tossed so effortlessly.

You could have been my IT, but you aren’t capable of such emotions, or you were too afraid. I’ll always love you deep down in my heart, first love, but I lost myself in the process.

How the moon felt when she met the sun

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I’m that type of clitche
That falls for small gestures
That loves to wake up with flowers
Or poems that can make my heart feel like
There are deeper emotions than this
Monotony of life
I’m that type of person that never is satisfied
Never understood what enough means
Only more
Thirsty for more
Hungry to feel more
Love more
Know more
Learn more
An infinity of enumerations
I may be selfish
I may be unpleased
But that’s only because
I always feel the urge to sink into your skin
I am going mad
And I will be worse
The deeper I fall
I am pure at heart
Honest by thought and soul
Synchronized in such a harmoniously way
I am given deeply to you
Take everything
My soul
My mind
My breath
My flesh
Take it
Because this is what falling in love feels like
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The 6 Damned Reasons

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I love the way you stare into my eyes
I get lost in the moment
Like I’ve been struck by lighting
I love your smile
The way you lift up the left corner of your mouth
With such an ease
It’s like I’m left with no words
I love the way you caress me
In those long loving arms of yours
(For a minute there, I’d be melting in silence)
I bet they’d cover continents
If you’d try your best
To wander them away
I like the fact that your eyes intrigue me
Filled with fire, yet so calmingly soothing
An antithesis filled with mystery
Knowingly, I’d drift away in them
Your laugh reminds me of innocence
One that all people should hold on to
I love the way I feel with you
Like I’d be me again
Joyful, filled with life and laughter
Still, something hard to describe
A thing like never before
For once in my life -
I feel complete
At ease with the fact
That after all this time
I feel cared for
As if -
What exists is pure
I feel warmth
So why you?
You feel like home
And everyone deserves to feel this way.

Wandering Hands

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You thought you could touch me
Like some cheap copy of Venus di Milo
At a snoozing exhibit where you can just come and go
As if my skin were a cupola
Where all souls are welcome
You thought you could finesse me
With cheap flowers and plastic
As if I were so easy to buy
At any corner of any street
You thought you could fool me
Like any other man
As if I didn’t know better
But I’m ten steps ahead
And you just leaped into a spinning hell
My dearest naive.

Fascination

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It kinda fascinates me
The way we look at the clouds
And let them cleanse us all up
As if we were filthy
And needed some type of divine purification
And in the same time we never stop to realize
That the clouds that cover us in a touching way
(Circling us constantly)
Cover those who we miss the most
Oceans away from our touch
So somehow we are touching each other
(But we never stop to think of it)
And that’s enough to keep me going
Till I may see you again.image

A lullaby for the dearest

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My sweetest mother,
Let me sing you a lullaby,
Since you never sang any to me
When I look into your eyes, I see a devil with white wings
You stood for years
Watching him rip me to pieces
You let him ruin me, then blame me for being broken
You’ve dragged me after you
Choked me with lies
And then lived the life you never had
You forgot about me
Learned how to erase the past
Now all you see are his big brown eyes
You’re a fool in love
And his wrath got you on your knees
You’ve devoted yourself to him
You’ve abandoned my soul
I’d sleep on your stomach
I’d cry for you for days
But those days are gone
And if I cry for you now,
It’s only out of hate.

Fascination

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The train hit me fast
I was head first spinning on cloud 9
Station X, stumble off, float across
There you were
Hiding under the tracks
Like some shining corps
The sun hit your face
And before we knew it
We were falling at the speed of photons
10 billion light years ahead
Still holding hands
The sun’s still shining
We’re still eating that old jam of yours
Laughing under the table
Throwing bread in each other’s faces
Busting our poor asses off
Scrapping money for this month’s rent
We said : We ain’t another story
Our love’s history babe
Souls on fire, off we go
Shoulder by shoulder
I guide you and you guide me
Passing long faces
Crossing streets and racing cars
We’re infinite babe
We’re madly in love
We never live on pause
Fast forward, just me and you
What a fascination.

Azalea

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With her short brown hair
And her big black eyes
She’s a star spangled banner
She has this glow to her.
A soul of an infant,
An energy of a stallion
She’d make hurricanes at a drop of one foot
Tsunami’s come across, hit you in the head
While she lays still
What a lover, filled with hate.
You think she knows everything
Well then you know nothing
She has her way around words
But that’s where intuition comes in
She dances under the moonlight on this trance shit
Something she likes for sure
And twirls like some nymph
Then stares deeply into my blank eyes.
Damn, she’s got me
She’s coming this way
She’s gonna twist me and turn me
Gorgeous, I hope you drop dead
You’re too perfect to be touched
So if I touch you -
Well, if I touch you
You certainly won’t be a star in my sky no more, darling
That’s just the way this galaxy works.

Cheers, darling

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I fell in love with you

You beautiful old wreck

At the seaside we kissed

As reckless as the waves

Which would collapse on the rocks

The cold rocks of the grey shore

What a metaphor

Stuck in a parking low

I’m wandering alone

You’re fine, aren’t you?

You lucky bastard

How much I envy your wellbeing

My lips shiver for your kiss

My body longs for your touch

You once said that sweet thing

That you fell in love with me

So you ran away, didn’t you?

You all do when times get hard

I bet you’re sleeping now

Like an innocent child

Sadly, you aren’t

You’re a fugitive

Didn’t anyone tell me?

There’s no shelter to be found

At least not in human beings

I let you run like a stallion

But I know for sure

That when the sun goes down

And you’re all alone in your suffocating room

All you can think of is me

My pale lips

My cold feet, hands

My soggy eyes

My smothered skin

My crooked voice

You killed me and you’re proud

Aren’t you?

But you missed a detail love

It was me who killed you first

You will never be capable of forgetting me

Every soul that will appear in your life

Will drown in my name

And even though I left a sour taste

Right when I closed the door

Every damn time you will think of me

And all you’ll remember is how

My sweet drenched lips

Once belonged only

And I repeat

Only to you

So here’s to you

You miserable fuck.