Ever since I’ve known myself I was a dreamer, romanticizing scenarios, wishing that one day someone would love me like that girl on the big screen, that movie-love exists in reality since it’s a projection of the directors desires as well, he/she is real.
I went through countless failures, giving all my warmth to the wrong people, thinking maybe this is it, but I’m too young to find that IT. My first lover, oh he was amazing. He really got me believing that this could be it. This lover way older than me, falling in love with a high-school chick, what a love story. I thought that me and him could become that story you’d tell everyone even after 10 years with a childish grin on your face, but it could have never gotten to that, I was just too blinded by my love for him to realize that.
I thought he loved me, you know.. always telling me to eat, before bed gently massaging my skin, gazing into my eyes with a stupid grin smudged all over his lovely face, all the easily-thrown words like “I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you” or “I could never hurt you, you’re simply amazing”. I fell for all of that, but actions speak louder than words, don’t they? I wanted to believe him, so I did and I fell harder than a meteor on reality’s face.
Everything I began to do, I’d do it for him, I forgot completely about my existence as a whole, I saw myself as one with him. His happiness should have been mine, but instead I suffered, I suffered like a dog. All the nights I couldn’t sleep, all the times I’ve cried my eyes out screaming from the pain till somehow, I’d collapse in a state of painful numbness. He never knew. His words said he loved me, but his actions said he loved himself. I came to realize that I was only a trophy for him. He thought he loved me but he never actually did. It’s comforting to think you love one.
He was very complicated, I couldn’t speak with him, he’d only push me farther and farther away. I started panicking, always being left behind, not being a priority, feeling him choosing me less and less as the days passed by.. I was very scared. I started acting crazy, fighting with him over anything I could, it was horrible.
I had to see that my dream was just an illusion, that this maybe was IT for me, but not for him. I found out that he started cheating on me, lies over lies. I was scared to believe him. He stopped feeling anything for me so I fought even harder. Even though, with his cold voice, he’d tell me he doesn’t want me, yelling at me because I went after him, I never stopped. I couldn’t imagine life without him. I love him so much but he never gave me even 10% back. I would have moved across the globe with him in a second if he would leave.
He doesn’t love me anymore, I tell myself over and over again. He doesn’t. I’m with a man who I love so deeply whilst he doesn’t know if he wants me or not anymore, if he feels or not something for me anymore.
I lost myself in the process and let someone take all the beauty I have to offer without once realizing what he had and what he tossed so effortlessly.
You could have been my IT, but you aren’t capable of such emotions, or you were too afraid. I’ll always love you deep down in my heart, first love, but I lost myself in the process.